In following with the new season, I’m coming clean. I am a sinner, saved by grace, but…oh, how I struggle.
- I am a recovering perfectionist.
- There are days I just want to runaway.
- In one day I can be on the mountaintop and the next hour I can be in the pit of despair.
- I flounder between hopeful vision to despairing and desperate.
- I want to be accepted.
- I wonder what people think of me…
- And I’m afraid they won’t like me, so…
- I try to be perfect, faultless…untouchable.
- I’m overly insecure.
- Food and I have a bad relationship.
- I try to do it all…by myself.
- Oftentimes I feel completely unaccomplished.
But…I do know the Truth and it has set me free, but more often than I’d like I live in fear not confident and willing to step out and live as and who God made me. It feels shaky. Dangerous.
If I really did the things God called me to do…if I really lived as he designed me I’d be taking huge risks! People might not like me. They could think I’m really weird.
Living free is scary.
But somewhere inside me I know it’s worth it. Even the logical side of me says it’s worth it. But still I struggle. Still I fear. Is it really worth the risk?
But I know it is. I know it is.
Why? Because God is good and God is real and God is worth it.
What I’m talking about isn’t just the regular things we contribute to living as Christ-followers, like prayer, evangelism, living pure and holy lives, etc. All those things are a must and fuel this, but what is scary for me are those specific things God has called me to do…that He has spoken over my life. To be the woman God has designed me is scary.
Why?
It requires huge vulnerability. An openness that cares nothing for the approval and opinion of man. A purpose that is unswerving. A vision that stays focused. A fight that trudges on through the heaviest battle.
I have been an epic failure in those things. The number one reason why? Most of my life I’ve walked in my own strength and power—which is laughable in contrast to our Mighty God.
But I want to live free. I want to be unbound by fear…to live without the burden of perfection. To accomplish God’s purposes in His power and grace. No more perfection. No more independence. No more fear.
This is a new season.
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Thanks again for another great post. I related to just about everything on your list of “confessions”. It sure helps to know I’m not the only one struggling. From one perfectionist to another.
Hello? Your bullet list? Could easily have been mine. Oh, praise God, He has saved me despite myself–what glorious grace!
Without grace, it would be futile. I would just keep digging my own hole deeper and deeper.