Sometimes I wish I were. Let’s be honest….most of the time I wish I were perfect. I struggle. A lot.
Perfectionism is a huge battle for me. Why? I’m not so sure. It doesn’t devour me like a lion, but prefers to sneak around corners leaving a sticky trail that I inadvertently begin to follow.
It starts small. I just want to finish the dishes before bed. Sounds reasonable, right? Then it moves to having the whole house picked up, breakfast ready for the morning, and clothes laid out or lists made for tomorrow’s errands. Still doesn’t sound too bad, right? That’s preparedness. I’m just trying to make life smoother for my family.
But then….when things don’t go as planned and take longer or, even worse, plans have to change that’s when I step up into full-force striving for perfection. I’ll get the task done. If I don’t have the time, I’ll work faster. It’s hard to explain, but its almost like I walk around carrying this panicky feeling until things are settled and “as they’re supposed to be.” I’ll rest when everything’s finished. And for me, everything is a continual list of projects, errands, events, daily chores…it doesn’t end. Seriously. Just ask my husband.
I strive. I strain. I hold my breath. I want it perfect.
But why?
I want people to know I’m capable. That I can do it. That I’m not helpless. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want people to see me as a failure. I seek the approval of man. There’s so much more to it, but….
It’s draining. It’s miserable. It’s controlling. It’s sin.
And it’s not that I’m straining for a godly perfection. I’m seeking to save myself…to prove myself worthy. I want to be perfect. But,
perfection is not the goal, holiness is.
God said, “Be holy as I am holy.“
He’s also the same God who said, “Cease striving.”
So today I’m repenting and turning. I’m giving up the control, which wasn’t mine in the first place. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to be perfect.
I’m already redeemed. I’ve been justified and now I’m being sanctified. And this is what I’m keeping before me today,
For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.
What about you? What sin that “so easily entangles” are you seeking to throw off today?
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Wow, I could have written this. It’s been a rough couple days for me in this area as well. I have had so much I couldn’t get done and it overwhelms me (for the reasons you mentioned above), hence, yesterday’s status update! Thanks for the reminder, it was very timely and I will be meditating on this today as I seek to throw off my sin as well!
Beautifully honest and truthful post. I like deep thing like this. I struggle with control. I like things done my way in my time. Learning to let some of that go. what a process.
For me, it also comes down to control. I want to be in control of my life and having a clean house is one way to feel like I have everything under control. But the peace it brings it’s an illusion; true peace only comes when I recognize that God is in control.
Thank you for sharing this.
@Amanda – I saw your update! I told Joe that a few days ago. Sometimes it’d be so much easier to get all those things done if I didn’t have any responsibilities….no one to take care of or prepare for.
@Rebecca – It definitely is a process. Sometimes I think I’ve come farther along in the process and then realize I’ve jumped back a few steps. It’s so much about being vigilant against sin and being aware of how I’m processing things.
@Trish – I really like what you said about the peace control brings, “it’s an illusion; true peace only comes when I recognize that God is in control.” Very insightful and true!
I don’t struggle with perfectionism in exactly the same way, but I feel you. I often find myself doing nothing because I can’t do everything I feel I need to do. A constant state of overwhelmed.
The Lord has waged the battle against perfectionism in my life … and I’m slowly learning how to manage it. But it is hard to be a “recovering perfectionist” … most of the time I’m on day 4 or 5 before I relapse. I’m so thankful for a husband who cheers me on as I continually lay these things down and for a loving Father who tenderly corrects me.
Such good thoughts, Jess…and just to let you know, I am working on this too…I pulled a Jaclyn and emailed Mrs. M to let her know I wasn’t going to finish my papers in time and asked whether or not I should drop the class. Sounds silly, but it was really humbling admitting that I couldn’t get all my ducks in a row and balance everything when one part of life become temporarily insane…but I now have until June 30th to finish my papers…so it’s good to be humble!