I feel like I’m being an open book lately. And I’m okay with that. There’s a freedom that comes with being honest and real. Letting your flaws and emotions show. No pretenses.
My heart is stirring within me. There’s a Christian song that’s popular right now (More Like Falling in Love) that when it comes on the radio I usually change the station. Why? It annoys me.
I’m the type of girl that likes rules, organization, consistency, commitment, measurable success. So when I hear things like “more like losing my heart than giving my allegiance,” part of me gets frustrated because we should give our allegiance to God.
Not only that but one thing I see in Christian culture is a trend that focuses on the emotional aspect of having a relationship with God rather than being solidified in the truth. Emotions are good and useful, but not when you base your faith on how you feel. I have seen and heard one too many Christians live a rollercoaster style of faith based on their emotions and, to me, songs like this encourage this.
But hear me out–I’m also a perfectionist recovering perfectionist. So something, say, like receiving love, I often struggle with. When you live life aiming for perfection you’re in this constant struggle with Am I good enough? Did I do the right thing? How much farther (or more) until I’ve arrived? You’re never really settled. Always aiming. Always seeking. Always looking to perform.
The thing with love though, real love, is that it’s not based on performance. Tell that to a perfectionist and they have no idea what to do. They live a life based on performing…you’ve removed the floor beneath them and now they’re falling no longer in control.
That’s me.
I run faster and harder to know the Truth than to be loved by the Truth. I know I’m a sinner. I know I’ve been saved by grace. I know, all too well, my own wretchedness. I know the grace of God, but…His love I often struggle with.
This song got to me the other day. I heard it on the radio and let it play.
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love
Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be
…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
(by Jason Gray, More Like Falling in Love)
My heart is slowly letting go of performance and, while holding fast to Truth, I’m opening my arms to receiving more of His love. Unabashed, unashamed, with nothing to bring. It’s deeper than an ocean.
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.
- Frederick Lehman, The Love of God
Love brings freedom. There is no longer an “I have to…” but an “I want to.” There is no condemnation in the love of Jesus–even if I don’t have a quiet time. His heart is so big and his love so deep that we would drown in it if it were an ocean.
And so, this is my prayer:
Lord, I want to know You more. I want to be passionate about Your Word. I want to run to it and be joyously satisfied. I want my heart to be stirred by things You are passionate about. I want to be free from any weight, condemnation, or guilt. I don’t want to meet with you as a Pharisee. Read some words and move on. I want to be changed.
I want to sit with You and walk with You…fully confident and fully in love. Secure.
Lord, break my calloused heart and give me a feeling, beating heart of flesh immersed in Your love and promises.
You are steadfast, O God, and good to all who trust in You.
I sought, He answered and delivered.
I cried, He heard and saved.
He delivers, He redeems, and as long as I seek
Him I lack no good thing.
How are you experiencing the love of God today?
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I personally love how open and honest you are being. You are saying so many things that I myself feel too!
It is so hard for me to comprehend the massive love and grace that God offers to me. I don’t deserve it! Not one bit!!!
But yet, here I am sitting drowning in His love! I’m learning more each day on how to live a fully devoted life to God and live it full of pure joy at how awesome and amazing He is!
Praise Him!!
Oh, how I understand your heart. In the wake of shuddering foundations, I find myself on that rollercoaster more often than I ever dreamed, and that very fact has shaken me to my core. I know of what you speak, and admire your heart that seeks to find Truth in the midst of the extremes.
BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
I love this. I am trying to be more open and honest too, to just let the facade drop and show my heart. But it is hard! I struggle with wanting others to see a certain image of me, not necessarily the “real” me. I want to project peace and joy and calm, even when those are the last things I am feeling. But I am finding that by dropping the false image, the fake front, I open myself up to the very peace and joy I have been faking. There is extreme peace in saying This is me, this is where I’m at, take me as I am.
Clearly, I am a work in progress, but hopefully I am making progress
Thank you for sharing this.
So very well said. I too am recovering…
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings~