The post in which I ramble…

I’m really good at keeping my emotions in check, which is just a nice way of saying I keep everything bottled up. But it’s got to come out sometime…and today it did.

It’s never just one thing, but a million little things that have been twirling around my mind until its a cosmic explosion out my eyeballs. And today it happened at a very convenient time. I was sitting in the car as my husband gave hugs to our son, looking at the clock knowing I was going to be late for class (I teach a workout class for mom’s at the seminary), and then–of course, Joe had to look at me with his puppy dog eyes and ask “What’s wrong?”

And the well sprung forth.

“I’m overwhelmed.”

With what? I mean my life seems pretty simple….even I think it’s pretty simple. At least most of the time.

But now, I invite you to a million little things…

I’m tired…even though I got more sleep last night than I have in a long time.

Sometimes I wish prepackaged food was better for you, because as much as I like cooking from scratch doing it every day for nearly every meal is overwhelming. Even if it is cheaper.

Oh…and all that cooking means lots of dishes. If you could see my kitchen you’d wonder where I can even put the dishes. It’s small. So small that my fridge can’t open all the way.

We were talking about saving to buy a house while we’re here. Now we’re thinking maybe it’s not best. I at least want to move to a first floor apartment if we don’t, because I am not looking forward to carrying a newborn up and down the stairs with a toddler bumbling behind me in the winter (or summer for that matter).

But moving downstairs would require some downsizing, because we’d lose a major walk-in closet.

I’m tired of it being so freaking hot outside. I grew up in hot and humid climates…South Carolina, Virgina, southern Japan, but I spent the last 6 years living in San Diego. Let’s just say I got spoiled.

Oh…did I mention that my 20-month-old son thinks he’s ready to forgo his daily nap? Yeah, I’m not.

I’m tired of being in charge, having to know the answers to where the keys, wallet, socks, a book, tape, and blah-blah-blah is…taking care of everybody. I need a break.

I’m tired of keeping everything together.

I’m tired of dirty floors and stinky trash.

And could the laundry stop multiplying, please?

Some days I forget to read my Bible.

I’m at that stage of pregnancy where you can’t really tell I’m pregnant, it just looks like I’m just getting chubby. Yes, I’m a bit self-conscious about that especially when I pass by a skinny mom with her 3 kids trailing behind her. Of course, she looks adorably cute and I am bum in my gym clothes.

Why couldn’t I have gotten the skinny gene? Or at least a little more impulse control when it comes to food.  Do you ever feel like that? When you’re at some party with lots of yummy treats and there are those women who are like, “I’ll just eat one…gotta watch my calories.” And then they really do only eat one. Honey…I will eat the cake and the cookie and that little fried thing. My calories probably went out the window some time around lunch. Well, if I can’t be skinny I might as well enjoy it!

Can we talk about hair for a moment? Mine needs a change…like bad and it’s driving me crazy. I cut it really short last summer. It went from the middle of my back to above my shoulders. It hasn’t seen scissors since, so it’s all one length. But when my curly hair is long the curls end up only at the bottom…which looks kind of funny. Like cocker spaniel ears. So I wear it up all the time. It’s heavy and gives me headaches.

So what do I do? Dye it, chop it off, layer it? I don’t know…maybe I should take a vote.

Being a seminary student’s wife isn’t all that fun. People ooh and aah because they think you’re extra special…you know, being a future pastor’s wife or missionary seems kind of glamorous, important even. But when you’re husband works 40 hours a week so you can have food to eat, a place to live, and health insurance and then spends the rest of his time with school work…it kind of means you don’t see him a lot and the bulk of child-rearing (and everything else) falls on you. (Kind of like how people see military wives…I’ve seen the inside of that one too and lots of sacrifice, not so much glamor.) But us wives band together and we remind ourselves it’s just a season.

After class when I told my husband all this his response was,

Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Many things, many anxieties…but am I doing the one thing? Life is easy when everything fits in its perfect time slot and all has a place the one thing is easy. But when the four walls come down and the wind picks up the pieces scattering them, then the one thing that’s necessary because so much harder.

Even then…it’s still the One thing.

How about you?

Tagged as: confession, rambling, Real Life