I see pictures of people’s lives.
I see their stainless steel appliances, living rooms right out of Pottery Barn or the latest issue of Real Simple. I see women supporting other women’s businesses. The floral headbands, ruffled bags and other insanely cute trimmings.
I see them in their put together outfits looking effortlessly chic. I see them flutter off to conference after conference having the time of their lives. Learning, growing, deepening relationships.
And I wonder, why not me?
Am I discontent with my wardrobe? My opportunities? The status of my bank account? The creaking floor of the 80-year-old apartment I call home?
I feel like I’m missing out. I’m not quite part of the club.
I can’t afford the conferences or the clothes or the wares of the shops I drool over. Stainless steel appliances, a perfectly positioned rug and cozy painted walls aren’t likely to be part of my future.
We’re not poor by any means. Compared to the rest of the world we’re quite rich. We have food, clothes, and a roof over our heads. We make more than $2 a day…and yet why does that not seem enough?
We have savings. We’ve been debt free since our fifth month of marriage.
But I don’t see myself buying a house or settling into a town to call our own. I don’t feel like everyone else. But sometimes I desperately want to.
My life…I don’t know where it’ll go.
Our God…I don’t know where he’ll take us.
To the ends if the earth to translate the Living Word in a language to a people who have not yet heard? To a bubbling metropolis in Central Asia bringing freedom? To a small town in middle America stirring the hearts of His Beloved? To a place in the wilderness…a place where roads lead and Hope has not yet been?
I can’t say. He hasn’t said.
In the midst of this I find myself longing for someone else’s life. Their affluence or certainty, their granite countertops or trips across the country. Their stability. Haven’t I lived this nomadic life long enough?
A life of faith is lived one day at a time and I am a reluctant sojourner. More often than not I’d rather have the comforts and conveniences of this world than the calling of His.
I don’t know where He’ll take us. Maybe His plan has never even crossed my mind.
But this I know, long ago He spoke to me that this world is not my home. And this life of transition I’ve lived and continue to live is to be my constant reminder.
Don’t get comfortable here.
And yet, there are days like today where I desperately want to be like someone else. (I know we each have our own battles and demons to fight…some we can’t see across these screens.)
I want to put down roots, but He says no.
I want the prosperity of the American dream, but He says you don’t need it.
In the end those things I long for, the temporary treasures of the world, He knows won’t fill my soul. Even if I want them too.
So I battle with discontent and calling.
I sojourn in this place not my own.
And I wait for the day when home will greet me in the beauty and glory of His face.
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I totally understand this post!
Our old house, that I’m trying to turn into a home had many flaws, mainly it’s way way way small, but is at a price that we can afford and that way we are able to bless others in need.
I don’t own anything fancy or new, I wear the same 4 items of clothing that I own and did give away the rest to more needy mothers. We don’t buy toys for our little ones, yet have been bless by the generosity of many!!!!
My appliances works, some of the time, yet we never went hungry. Hard work never kill anybody.
But I too had so many struggles, thinking of what I could have, but God help me learn to be content with what he graciously gave me and makes me see that my needs are fulfilled, and I may want more but He can choose to bless me or not, either way I should always give thanks and not complain.
Never easy, some days are harder then others…. some days we have peanut butter sandwich for dinner cause the stove had been capricious, some days we have clothes drying all around the house, because the dryer is stubborn and it’s snowing out… there is days that we all cuddle up in one small room, with blankets and space heater because we ran out of heating oil and need to wait a while before we have enough money to buy some more…
But our children learn from how I react to all those small trials they see me and I’ve been convicted that my attitude affect them in many ways, and I commit to never complain about trivial thing like this to them, in their innocence they think we are the richest happiest family in the world, and seriously we are
Thank you for being honest in this post, it’s not easy, we are not home, until He calls us HOME we will never fit in, because we are not HOME yet.
One of my favorite Scripture passages (maybe THE favorite) is:
All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
…they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.
(From Hebrews 11)
I know I will never really “fit in” anywhere…I will not be a fashion trendsetter, nor will I have the latest cute Etsy find, nor will I have a home worthy of the pages of House Beautiful. I will never be on the “inside” with all the cool people (which is a completely different set, depending on the group you happen to be in at any given moment…the mama blogger world, the homeschool world, the “inner circle” at my church). And yes, it does hurt. I guess that’s my sinfulness and pride coming out.
I cling to the hope that, as I follow the path God has made for me in this life, one day, one day, I will hear Him say that He is proud to be called my Father…and that will make the fleeting moments of this life when I wished to be someone else, someone people would look up to as one of those, you know, *bigger* people, seem so infinitesimal in comparison.
Great post!
Lord, help us all to see the worthlessness of our earthly pursuits! Give us the heart of a sojourner. Loosen our grip of the things of this earth. Make us ready for wherever you lead us.
The group Petra has a song that encapsulates our sojourner status.
from mp3lyrics.org
Petra Not of This World Lyrics:
I Peter 2:11, John 15:18-19, John 16:33, Matthew 16:18, John 14:3
Words & Music by Bob Hartman
We are Pilgrims in a strange land
We are so far from our homeland
With each passing day it seems so clear
This world will never want us here
We’re not welcome in this world of wrong
We are foreigners who don’t belong
We are strangers, we are aliens
We are not of this world
We are envoys we must tarry
With this message we must carry
There’s so much to do before we leave
With so many more who may believe
Our mission here can never fail
And the gates of hell will not prevail
Jesus told us men would hate us
But we must be of good cheer
He has overcome this world of darkness
And we will soon depart from here
I can echo so many of the word you typed in this post. I tend to battle with discontent so much. But yet, I know that the life I am living, right now, right here, is exactly what God wants it to be.
I am working on trusting Him and his plan more. It’s hard. But, I know that His plans are so wonderful! So, I cling to Him.
Thanks for sharing from your heart today!
Oh, Girl!
That was beautiful!
You are dressed in FINE robes of righteousness and clothed with Beautiful garments of kindness… clothes you can’t buy at the store!
Your dwelling place is the adorned with MUCH love, warmed and made beautiful by the laughter that takes place in it… I know anyone with stainless steel, lacking that warmth would trade it in a heartbeat!
You are a precious daughter of the King!! You’re doing what He wants, which at the moment seems to be waiting. But you are obedient to His command and wait, just as you would want your child(ren) to wait!
And you have a dream of the future, a dream of a life spent wholly for the Lord, which rivals any American dream that could be had!
And for those who have the things you mention, the American dream, there’s the danger of losing their focus and putting their trust, value and joy in something other than The One who gave them those things.
May we all sojourn with you, in our own God given path, as Paul said, “content in all circumstances”… well fed or poor… stainless silver or almond…
Thank you for sharing your heart! I pray it is encouraged! YOU are a beautiful and GREATLY blessed PRINCESS!!!
MUCH love to you!!! ♥ Michelle
Oh, I have felt those same things! I do not have money to buy all the cute, fun, amazing things that I see nor is my home decorated beautifully. I battle the feelings of discontentment but I also know that God has called us to this place where we are and I am so thankful for all He has blessed us with. Great post!
Oh, I am the reluctant sojourner, too! We will make our third move in three years this summer, and our 9th move since we have been married this summer. I am exhausted, but I remember Genesis: the accounts of Abraham and Sarah. God was boundless in his rewards.
Seriously, you guys…I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I know you are not alone to feel left out that you’re not attending the blog conferences and all of that … I have read that so many places, but so many women, and I too have wished…
I read somewhere just yesterday or today (and I truly wish I could remember where so I could give credit where credit is due) that so often we compare the worst of our lives to the best we see in others’ lives.
I saw a comment you left over at Bloom and saw we have some of the same hurts in common (loss).
I pray you are blessed and that you know you are not alone.
You write beautifully!
Oh how I relate. Although I have a cozy home in the country where we are setting down roots. I long for city life again… I long for lattes and shopping trips and cuteness…