It’ll be a week from tomorrow that I found out and tomorrow will be the day I’ll know for sure. It was a surprise, unexpected…this womb carrying and caring. I laughed like Sarah laughed, shocked and surprised by it all.
And then the unexpected unwanted began. The cramping, the aching…the wondering, again? Why God, why again? Why pick me twice? Wasn’t once enough already?
Calls to the family, “Surprise! We’re pregnant, but I’m bleeding.”
A visit with the midwife, poked once, twice, three times and blood finally flows. My veins run deep and thin. I sit half smiling, hoping this thick, red ink shows a positive sign…that my hcg levels rise to normal. I just want an answer. But wait…until tomorrow I’m told.
My heart wants to hope. It really does, but somewhere down inside I fear this life has already passed and died. I say, “I don’t want to hope, because hope will only disappoint me.”
Even as the words leave my lips, I hear the Word, “hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts…”
I turn from the hard-truth words. This hope hurts and I don’t like being here again. ‘It’s not fair,’ I want to cry.
I feel the walls building up…a defense to protect my heart…the one that already feels broken. I don’t understand. Why can’t this just be easy? Why can’t a positive mean a positive? Why can’t those two pink lines mean a healthy baby in a momma’s arms?
Why the heartache? Why the waiting?
Where is the hope in this?
The numbers come back low and more lab work is scheduled. If they rise, it could be a good sign. Maybe. There’s no guarantee.
She sings, He’s always been faithful…He will be again.
But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel the power and comfort.
I want to believe. I want to know that hope doesn’t disappoint, that even this shows God’s faithfulness, but my heart wants to cry, Why God? Why again?
I don’t like when hope means a disappointment. When hope isn’t happy and glowing and joyful relief…the hope that says wait, the kind that calls “Cling to Me,” the one that says “I am your Hope, I am your Faithfulness.”
It doesn’t feel good.
It’s true. I know. I’ve been here before…and yes, God is good all the time.
But hope? Hope is hard. I want to turn my back on it, to just say “no” and save myself the heartache, but even there I know a flicker of hope flames in the crevices of my heart. I can’t help it. Because, really…isn’t that what hope is?
Perched in my soul…hope sits and waits. No matter the outcome. Hope’s there…in disappointment and in faithfulness.
My arm was pricked again. Just once this time.
Tomorrow I’ll know. And I’ll wrestle between hope and faithfulness and the meaning of it all.
{Truthfully? I want to laugh like Sarah.}
******
All I have need of His hand will provide, He’s always been faithful to me.
I can’t remember a trial or a pain, He did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can’t remember one single regret, in serving God only and trusting His hand.
All I have need of His hand will provide, He’s always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song…the theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long,
God has been faithful, He will be again. His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of His hand will provide, He’s always been faithful to me.
- Sara Groves, He’s Always Been Faithful
linking up with Joy and life: unmasked.
