Last night at our community group (aka care group/small group), one of the ladies asked me how I was doing finding my purpose here. I had shared it as a prayer request a few weeks back. I told her I hadn’t really pursued the subject much deeper, but I was feeling more focused in general. By that, I guess, I mean I’ve felt my focused and encouraged on God’s purpose and season for me right now and that peace was spilled out into my life. But, I still haven’t found anything specific as “my purpose.”
My friend Carrie was sitting there too and she said, “I’ve got something for you that could be your purpose.” She preceded to tell me about a woman that lives near her (by the way Carrie and I live in the same apartment complex) whose family is having a hard time and going through bankruptcy and needs someone to watch her kids a few hours on Friday’s for the next three weeks. Carrie’s already offered to help (I have to say she’s a very generous and willing person) and said I could help her or we could switch off weeks if that’s something I wanted to do.
I didn’t really give her an answer. To be honest, I was actually pretty evasive and ready to move on. In my mind I was thinking ‘That’s not what I meant by my purpose.‘ Then Carrie added on, “There’s plenty of people at Village Manor that you could help. That could be your purpose.” Another ouch. Another uncomfortable shrug of the shoulders. Another ‘that’s not really what I was thinking.’
{As an aside: Village Manor is for low-income families about half are seminary families, the other half are a mixture of immigrants, refuges, and low-income families. It’s a mission field in and of itself.}
And so, I woke up with this the first thing on my mind. My unwillingness to help someone in need, someone who is not a believer. One of my first thoughts is that time on Friday is when I have my own little personal weekly retreat. Joe watches Joey for a few hours and I get out and do something by myself. I wasn’t ready to give that up. I already had my plans.
But I was also wrestling with how big of a deal this was and my hypocritical attitude. I’ve been seeking to find God’s purpose for me here and even prayed earlier in the week for him to give me opportunities to serve. Now, here he was giving me an opportunity to serve and I wasn’t willing. It wasn’t packaged the way I was expecting. I didn’t initiate it.
I was unwilling to be an ambassador, to be light in the world, to radiate the heart of Jesus.
As I was talking with God about it this morning, I felt him saying, “Would you do this if I told you to?” Up to this point I hadn’t felt God was specifically telling me to step into this opportunity. My response was, “Yes, I’d feel compelled to.”
Immediately, the verse “Christ’s love compels me“ popped into my head. Another ouch. I was more concerned about myself than I was about sharing the love of Christ. At this point, Christ’s love wasn’t compelling me. I had forgotten my true purpose: to glorify Christ and draw others to him!
God has entrusted me with the message of reconciliation and I have desired to be his ambassador, but when I’m presented with the opportunity I shy away! Oh, the conviction! I am an ambassador of Christ, a tool who God has purposed to use me to make his appeal to the world, to be reconciled to Himself. And I denied it.
Thankfully the chance has not passed me. I’ll be talking with Carrie today to see how I can help. My hope and prayer is that together we can alleviate some of this family’s burden and show them Christ in our actions. And…I pray that when God gives me an opportunity to serve him I don’t back down. I am a servant let me serve…that should be my motto.
This sanctification process…this denying myself is hard, but I know I’ll never be the woman God created me to be without it. I’ll never be able to testify to the world the wonder and worthiness of God if I stay in my comfortable home with my comfortable schedule. I’ll never know the joy and blessing of true service if I don’t deny myself.
I’ll never know the deep fellowship of Christ if I don’t take up my cross and follow him.
Life is dying and death is living.
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