Posts tagged as:

living free

Living Free

by Jessica on June 30, 2010

Yesterday I shared how I’ve been thinking about living unhindered, but what’s the biggest hindrance? Fear. Being vulnerable. Taking risks. I’m still thinking about this and how I need to press through fear, my own insecurities, and constraints I put on myself.

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Originally posted October 20, 2009

In following with the new season, I’m coming clean. I am a sinner, saved by grace, but…oh, how I struggle.

I am a recovering perfectionist.
There are days I just want to runaway.
In one day I can be on the mountaintop and the next hour I can be in the pit of despair.
I flounder between hopeful vision to despairing and desperate.
I want to be accepted.
I wonder what people think of me…
And I’m afraid they won’t like me, so…
I try to be perfect, faultless…untouchable.
I’m overly insecure.
Food and I have a bad relationship.
I try to do it all…by myself.
Oftentimes I feel completely unaccomplished.

But…I do know the Truth and it has set me free, but more often than I’d like I live in fear not confident and willing to step out and live as and who God made me. It feels shaky. Dangerous.

If I really did the things God called me to do…if I really lived as he designed me I’d be taking huge risks! People might not like me. They could think I’m really weird.

Living free is scary.

But somewhere inside me I know it’s worth it. Even the logical side of me says it’s worth it. But still I struggle. Still I fear. Is it really worth the risk?

But I know it is. I know it is.

Why? Because God is good andGod is real and God is worth it.

What I’m talking about isn’t just the regular things we contribute to living as Christ-followers, like prayer, evangelism, living pure and holy lives, etc. All those things are a must and fuel this, but what is scaryfor me are those specific things God has called me to do…that He has spoken over my life. To be the woman God has designed me is scary.

Why?

It requires huge vulnerability. An openness that cares nothing for the approval and opinion of man. A purpose that is unswerving. A vision that stays focused. A fight that trudges on through the heaviest battle.

I have been an epic failure in those things. The number one reason why? Most of my life I’ve walked in my own strength and power—which is laughable in contrast to our Mighty God.

But I want to live free. I want to be unbound by fear…to live without the burden of perfection. To accomplish God’s purposes in His power and grace. No more perfection. No more independence. No more fear.

This is a new season.

And this is who I am.

Tagged as: living free, Real Life

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Appropriating Perfection

by Jessica on June 28, 2010

in Real Life

I’ve been thinking lately about how when we live free unhindered by sin and fear how much more of life we can enjoy, how much more love we can give, and even more importantly how much more of Jesus we can magnify.

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Originally published April 14, 2009

Sometimes, you know, you just want to feel free. I know I do. Unencumbered, stress-free, uninhibited. Relieved, the weight lifted from my shoulders, unburdened. You know free.

Breathe.

I read this in the final chapter of Practicing Hospitality today,

Christians who lay hold of the fact that they possess Christ’s perfection can be free to be themselves around others.

Now, why is that so hard? Why does it seem so impossible to do this? What does it even mean to “possess Christ’s perfection”? I could explain it to you theologically, but what does that look like day to day when I’m feeling stressed, exhausted, and not enough?

Am I alone in this? I’m guessing no.

I know, for me, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect–it’s been part of my story. Living above the status quo, not necessarily keeping up appearances, but sometimes striving to be better than good is taxing. And sometimes I just want to feel free.

Deep breath. Go. Shoulders relax. Smile.

It’s then that I know, and so desparately wish, that appropriating Christ’s perfection was easier. Living out day to day apart from myself in His strength and perfection, being confident enough to smile and be happy. Living free.

Tagged as: For the sake of Christ, living free, perfection

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Today was…

by Jessica on December 1, 2009

in children,growth

frustrating.

Or at least the morning was. Joey and I had it out this morning. I was preparing some Montessori work for him and he was pulling things out of his closet. He rarely is able to go into his closet. It’s the holding ground for all things baby and teaching. But in the last few days he’s figured out how to open its sliding doors and found the treasures that it holds. Woe is me.

I shouldn’t have, but while I was putting the finishing touches on some Christmas-themed work I let him pull things out of the closet. Occasionally, I’d go put things back and close the door only to have him open it and pull things out again. Frustrating, but it kept him out from under my feet for the moment.

When I was done, I introduced the new work to him. One is a mini Christmas tree with ornaments that I had strung on those fuzzy pipecleaners. All was fine and dandy until Joey realized he could pull the top of the ornament off (you know the silver part) if he tried hard enough. (I knew I should have glued those on…if only I knew where my glue gun was.) So, I replaced them as fast as he could pull them off. After a few rounds I took those ornaments out of the box and put them away.

Of course, he cried and then went to the…yes, you guessed it…closet.

Sliding the doors opened as clothes, balls, and books were thrown out. Already frustrated I peppered Joey with a series of “No!” and “Joey, listen to Mommy!” And did he? No.

I decided to tape the doors shut. But before I could get everything back in the closet, he’d pull it out again. One time I did get everything back in and the door shut only to find I’d left the tape in the closet.

Finally, I had the closet taped shut, a crying toddler, and was feeling frustrated and convicted. I laid down on the couch knowing I was the only one around to comfort Joey. He wasn’t listening. Redirecting didn’t work. Saying “no” didn’t work. Taping the closet didn’t work. Even getting frustrated and raising my voice didn’t work.

Joey’s crying and all I want to do is go lock myself in my room. I knew I was wrong. I felt convicted. Convicted, but still frustrated. Do you ever feel that way?

I apologized to Joey after he crawled up and laid down with me on the couch. I felt so bad for him then, that the only one around to comfort him was the same person who had yelled at him and made him so upset. That’s a little slice of grace right there.

Tonight I spent a little time working on Beth Moore’s Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit study. This week is focusing on kindness and goodness, both aspects of mercy (which is not my strong suit). This caught my attention:

…we will never be successful as parents to our children until we are successful children to our Heavenly Father (142-143).

Earlier she connected how God parents us looking at Hosea 11:3-4,

Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.

God is ever patience with me, leading me in gentleness and kindness to repentance taking me up in his own arms, even feeding me. He doesn’t yell or scream, “Don’t you get it!” He leads me in tenderness.

How much I have failed already as a parent surprises me at times. I never thought I’d get it perfect, but to miss something so simple…something I would automatically give Joey any other time, gentleness, God gives to me every moment.

“The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin…” Exodus 34:6b-7a