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reflection

All That He Says He Will Be

by Jessica on July 9, 2010

This morning I picked up My Utmost for His Highest and flipped to today’s date. I rarely read it. Sometimes Chambers comes off as a ‘holier than thou’ know-it-all, but this morning I was drawn in by the string of questions that began the devotional:

Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God?

Is there a remnant of reliance left on any natural quality within you, or on any particular set of circumstances?

Are you relying on yourself in any manner whatsoever regarding this new proposal or plan which God has placed before you?

[...] It really is true to say, “I cannot live a holy life,” but you can decide to let Jesus Christ make you holy. “You cannot serve the Lord…”–but you can place yourself in the proper position where God’s almighty power will flow through you.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (July 9)

He makes a point that oftentimes its not whether Jesus can really do what He says he can do, but our belief. More accurately…our unbelief.

We say, “Oh, if only I really could believe!” The question is, “Will I believe?” No wonder Jesus Christ placed such emphasis on the sin of unbelief. “He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief” (Mt. 13:58).

If we really believed that God meant what He said, just imagine what we would be like!

Do I really dare to let God be to me all that He says He will be?

Just imagine what we would be like if we lived as we truly are.

Cleansed. Sanctified. Holy. Blameless. Unoffended. Content. Loved. Confident. Secure. Free.

I let these questions soak as I sat in the morning quiet,

Is reliance on myself holding me back from being who I truly am? Is unbelief hindering God’s work in me? What am I not believing to be true about God? Am I allowing God to be all that He says and is to me?

Then I began to ask God what he thought.

It didn’t take long for him to answer. In short, I’m an unbelieving sinner walking in self-reliance independent of God…but only behind the scenes. Getting by on what I know and how I’ve experienced God in the past.

I wouldn’t have really pegged myself as walking in unbelief, but cloaked behind my secure exterior are doubts of God’s goodness, His provision, His protection and reliability.

I struggle with believing that God is enough. I struggle with believing that God will give me what I need.

But the truth?

He is enough. He will take care of me. He will provide for me. I will not be alone.

It’s humbling when you realize you’re not truly trusting your Savior. Humbling and sad…but refreshing to be reminded that who I once was is no more.

Sure its ugly head roars every now and then, but to know there is a Truth that is patience, compassionate to people who are like sheep without a shepherd, and ever faithful to lead me back–accept me–without condemnation…that is a Savior worth serving and a Truth worth believing.

He is enough.

What about you? What are you relying on other than God? Do you dare to let God be to you all that He is?

Tagged as: quotes, reflection, Sacred Chaos, the goodness of God, unbelief

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But is this all?

by Jessica on March 29, 2008

in Uncategorized

“No thoughtful person can question the fact that, for the most part, the Christian life, as it is generally lived, is not entirely a happy life. A keen observer once said to me,

“You Christians seem to have a religion that makes you miserable. You are like a man with a headache. He does not want to get rid of his head, but it hurts him to keep it. You cannot expect outsiders to seek very earnestly for anything so uncomfortable.”

All of God’s children, I am convinced, feel instinctively, in their moments of divine illumination, that a life of inward rest and outward victory is their inalienable right. [...] And yet, to many of you, how different has been your real experience! [...]

You have not lived as you feel children of God ought to live.
You have had perhaps a clear understanding of doctrinal truths, but you have not come into possession of their life and power.
You have rejoiced in your knowledge of the things revealed in the Scriptures, but have not had a living realization of the things themselves, consciously felt in the soul.
Christ is believed in, talked about, and served, but He is not known as the soul’s actual and very life, abiding there forever, and revealing Himself there continually in His beauty.
You have found Jesus as your Saviour from the penalty of sin, but you have not found Him as your Saviour from its power.
You have carefully studied the Holy Scriptures, and have gathered much precious truth therefrom, which you have trusted would feed and nourish your spiritual life, but in spite of it all, your souls are starving and dying within you, and you cry out in secret, again and again, for that bread and water of life which you see promised in the Scriptures to all believers.

In the very depths of your hearts, you know that your experience is not a Scriptural experience; that, as an old writer said, your religion is “but a talk to what the early Christians enjoyed, possessed, and lived in.” And your hearts have sunk within you, as, day after day, and year after year, your early visions of triumph have seemed to grow more and more dim, and you have been forced to settle down to the conviction, that the best you can expect from religion is a life of alternate failure and victory, one hour sinning, and the next repenting, and then beginning again, only to fail again, and again to repent.

But is this all?”

from chapter 1 of The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith

Tagged as: Books, life, reflection

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Time for Reflection

by Jessica on March 2, 2008

in children

I was hopping across a few blogs and discovering new ones as I do from time to time and came across Pinks & Blues Girls. I have to admit I was reading their interview with Angela Kinsey (an actress from The Office) who is currently pregnant. I scrolled down to see what other things they were blogging about. Mostly baby and pregnancy stuff, which is not always my favorite thing to look at. You can read why here.

I can across a post about Beth who was pregnant with twins and recently miscarried. I know her pain and despair and the feeling that nothing with ever be the same or replace the child that she once was carrying, but is no longer. She wishes it was just a bad dream.

I know that. I went for weeks battling within myself…telling myself I, was still pregnant. Trying to convince myself that I was still having pregnancy symptoms–nausea, fatigue, hunger. Saying to myself, ‘The doctor was just wrong.’ I remember thinking, ‘If only I had prayed more.’ And questioned if I had done something wrong. I did go for a brisk walk the morning we started to miscarry, did that do it?

I know God purposed this. I know that there is a display of His glory in this beyond what I can see or understand. It just hurts. Five months (almost six) isn’t that long of a time. It seems grieving is a slow process, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing my first baby.

So many thoughts go through my head (and a few awkward run-ins):

Next time we’re pregnant, what if someone says, “Oh congratulations! Is this your first pregnancy?” “No, it’s my second.” “Oh, how old is your first?” “Oh, s/he’d be such-and-such an age if s/he was alive.”
The next baby shower I go to how will I simply sit through all the oohing and aahing over adorable baby gifts–so pretty and petite. (I’m actually going to a shower next month. It’ll be my third since my miscarriage. The first one was 2 weeks after I lost my baby, the second one a month and a half. I spent my time sitting quietly by myself or fixing the food trying to hide my own tears.) Oh the joys of baby showers, now!
Speaking of showers…this is about the time we’d be having a baby shower. (Due date May 6th)
What happens when we are expecting again, will it be a constant reminder of the baby we lost?
Two words. One holiday. Mother’s Day. A week after my due date. I don’t even know if would be able to make it through church. (I told my husband I don’t want to go.)
Self-inflicted pain. Why? I still haven’t unsubscribed to all those baby updates that get delivered into my inbox almost daily.
Standing around chatting with some ladies, when the conversation turns to who’s sleeping through the night, how frequently (or infrequently) their baby is pooping, planning someone else’s baby shower, washing multiple loads of laundry, changing diapers, etc. etc. etc. They say this and these are the things I wish for. (Side note to moms: Don’t complain about your children, no matter what age they are…you never know who’s listening. Appreciate the sleepless nights and the terrible two’s, it’s much better to have them than dream about how they would have been.)
Will we ever be pregnant again? How long will it be? How many other people will I see get pregnant and have babies? It seems like I always here about one more person who’s expecting…