Today’s post is a guest post by Stef of Layton Family Joy.
On vacation over July 4th I missed my birth control pill. Two weeks later I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was a little concerned about getting pregnant so quickly because all of the online information stated very negative outcomes. I tried to relax and not stress even more because the pregnancy was not overly rejoiced by my husband – who was very happy with the size of our 2-son family.
The 6 week, 9week, and 12 week appointments showed everything normal. And since I passed through my 1st trimester with absolutely no complications I really relaxed in the excitement of another Layton in our home! We started to pick out names – I even changed my blog name to Momof3Laytons.
I felt fine the morning of my 16 week apt and drove myself to do the Quad Screen blood test. Everything changed when he tried to hear the baby’s heartbeat. He couldn’t find it. Having an office packed with patients he quickly suggested doing an ultrasound instead, but “not to worry this happens all the time”.
Waiting for the room to open – I knew, deep in my stomach I knew there was no heart beat. Sure enough – during the ultra sound the heart cavity was an empty black spot. No rapid beating, nothing. My dr. pushed on my stomach and the baby’s legs did not kick as they should in response. The baby just floated, already lifeless.
He apologized and went on about this being the worst part of his job – and I went into procedure mode. I asked, “what do I need to do now”. I’ve been an ER / outpatient procedure person all my life, it’s what I know. Since the baby’s bones were formed my fear of the worst came true - I would have to be induced and deliver .
I made it to the car and called my husband – I could barely speak, “the baby is dead” I sobbed. I called my mom, my Aunt Lisa, and my best friend Carin. I couldn’t drive – my baby had died and I hadn’t even bothered to notice!
When I got home I curled up on my bed and cried some more. My husband was packing for a work trip to San Francisco and I encouraged him to go. I wanted life to remain as close to normal as possible. I had to deliver and since the dr. didn’t seem to act like it was a rush – I’d do it in 3 days when my husband returned. He was gone 1 day when I felt disgusting knowing the baby was still inside of me.
Cramping started that first night alone and I was terrified I would deliver in my shower with my 2 boys in the house. I did not want that to happen. I called a friend at my husband’s work to take me to the hospital and be there with me until my husband came back. He caught the red eye and tried to make it in time, but he did not. I asked my folks to stay with my boys, incase the baby was a girl I didn’t want my mom to see her 1st granddaughter like that (she has 5 grandsons).
It took over 24 hours – but I finally delivered. Everyone wanted to comfort me but God had already – I told them my daughter was in heaven – healed and whole with my God! They looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t want to hold the baby, I didn’t want pictures or anything else they kept offering me. My husband arrived 30 minutes after I delivered. He took me home in the late afternoon and put purple gerber daises beside my bed (I honor the baby on my website w/ purple gerber daises in my header).
Unfortunately, due to miscommunication between dr.s and the lack of a sonogram — part of the placenta was left in my womb. I had to do weekly blood tests to make sure there was no infection. (I didn’t want a D&C because I had lived with endometriosis for 4 years so I was trying to prevent scar tissue). Cramping and still bleeding I cried, “when will this be over Lord”. It took a month to get through all of that. I ended up back in the hospital for 2 over night stays because of kidney stones – the baby was not taking in the extra calcium.
The pathology reports showed the baby was a girl, our first daughter. The Quad Screen showed a 76% change of Downs. The dr. believers her heart wasn’t strong enough and stopped developing. I believe God knew better and took her home to heal her.
My oldest son was very upset we hadn’t named her. He wanted us to name the baby so he’d know her when he sees her in heaven. We named her Clare .
It has not been easy for me – even writing, it’s still raw. But I firmly believe that God is in control and this is not the end. I look forward to heaven in a way I never had before! My husband and I agreed to focus on our two wonderful blessings in our home and everything God has given us – rather than focus on what we do not have here. We were able to remain positive and praise Him before unbelieving neighbors, hospital staff, and my husband’s coworkers. Not to mention the many women who have contacted me to share their hearts and hurts.
Thanks Jessica for allowing me to share this story – I pray He will be glorified!
Stef shares her faith stories at Layton Family Joy and contributes to Gather InSpirit. She tweets at @laytonfamily.
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miscarriage,
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